Monday, May 2, 2011

Daily Journal for The Recovery From Religious Abuse Day 20

Today starts a new day; I realize that I have been abused by religion. It took me through Day 8, 9 before I realized this, but I am glad I did. You can go back to see my comments on Day 8 and 9 to see what I am speaking of. I am taking the time to do the exercises as outlined in the book; Recovering From Religious Abuse, 11 Steps to Spiritual Freedom written by: Jack Watts. While I know that hurt and abuse as described and presented in the book are two different things, I have come to the understanding that in regards to taking advantage of me I have in fact been abused. I will admit, one of my greatest concerns is I may have at times abused religion. I don’t think I have but this journey will help me understand where I am at and in the process help others as I journal each day with the steps outlined in the book.

Over the last years I have been busy doing things for others. Despite what some may believe, helping others is what drives me. At times to the point of doing potential harm in not taking care of myself or my family. It is the one thing I struggle with, that is, being a better husband, provider, and family man. I don’t think others often consider or take seriously the time I have contributed or the proportionate amount of finance I bring in for the time I have spent. I try not to complain though but I know this an area I have to work on.

I have to ask myself; do I give what I do to escape my pain and hurt? Is what I give counter productive and do more harm than good? I honestly don’t know the answer. I do believe that my God has been valuable deserves my all. The willingness to give sacrificially has been one of the greatest areas of change in my life since starting my recovery from abuse. When I am sold on something, I am sold on it to its entirety. I honestly, believe in the work I do. As I get older, I know that while sacrifices have been made, there is still much work to do.

In an ideal situation I would have the man-power to help out on the things I am involved in, and at the same time, have the finances to enjoy life. My wife and I just had a car breakdown; we are down to one car, not knowing for sure if the other can be fixed or what it will cost us. To be able to take my family on a vacation, or have the means to either fix, or buy another car would be nice. To have the luxury of having a full day, weekend or week or two off for a vacation would be an incredible blessing. I have dreamed of so many things and places in life, yet never had the opportunity to do or see many of those things. Many of them are things I have wanted to share with my family. There is sacrifice for the salvation Christ has provided me, not because I have to give back, I know it was grace and faith in Christ that provided my salvation, yet, I want to do more. I also want to do less so I can do more but I seem to be in a Catch-22.

Oh God, help me understand, I long for those things and places in my life with my family and my wife. As I get older, I honestly don’t know if I am doing what I do out of guilt, a means of escape, or because I it is what is required of me. God, help me be happy to be at the place You want and have for me.

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