Thursday, May 19, 2011

Daily Journal for The Recovery From Religious Abuse Day 32

Today starts a new day; I realize that I have been abused by religion. It took me through Day 8, 9 before I realized this, but I am glad I did. You can go back to see my comments on Day 8 and 9 to see what I am speaking of. I am taking the time to do the exercises as outlined in the book; Recovering From Religious Abuse, 11 Steps to Spiritual Freedom written by: Jack Watts. While I know that hurt and abuse as described and presented in the book are two different things, I have come to the understanding that in regards to taking advantage of me I have in fact been abused. I will admit, one of my greatest concerns is I may have at times abused religion. I don’t think I have but this journey will help me understand where I am at and in the process help others as I journal each day with the steps outlined in the book.

Today I am a little conflicted. I find myself at times hurting, feeling pain as to the current situation I am in, but I have come to a place in my heart regarding certain theological truths I have alluded to in the past. That is the concept of free-will among people, even the free will to do stupid things that hurt others. In that understanding, I am not at the place where I blame God for bad things that happen in life but I am at the place where at times, I hurt.

While I believe in the concept of free-will, I have also seen God work at providing my, needs. It is the emotional struggles where I have problems and could depend more on God. While I have worked at having a great relationship with God, as mentioned yesterday, is often weakened by others. I don’t think they always intend it but I realize, I need to have my time with God and continue to have honest communication with Him where I share when I am upset, don’t understand, or need help moving forward. While I don’t have some material wants in life, I have all of my material needs. I need to recognize and trust God in the same way with my emotional needs.

Sometimes I want God to be what I call the Santa God where I can ask for what I want and get it. I don’t think God appreciates that, and to be honest, I wouldn’t either if that was all I ever did. I also know as a father of 2 grown children, I want my children to communicate to me their totality, despite what they are experiencing. Although grown, I still want to know their needs and bless them. If I want this from my children, maybe I need to get to the place where I realize that God is a more loving father. Just as my children would have nothing to worry about when being honest with me, I need to see God that way, but even better.

God, help me realize the importance of going to you in times of need. You have met my material needs; help me trust You with my emotional needs. Help me realize, You are a more loving father than I. I have many flaws and mistakes, you are perfect.

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