Today starts a new day; I realize that I have been abused by religion. It took me through Day 8, 9 before I realized this, but I am glad I did. You can go back to see my comments on Day 8 and 9 to see what I am speaking of. I am taking the time to do the exercises as outlined in the book; Recovering From Religious Abuse, 11 Steps to Spiritual Freedom written by: Jack Watts. While I know that hurt and abuse as described and presented in the book are two different things, I have come to the understanding that in regards to taking advantage of me I have in fact been abused. I will admit, one of my greatest concerns is I may have at times abused religion. I don’t think I have but this journey will help me understand where I am at and in the process help others as I journal each day with the steps outlined in the book.
Over the years I don’t think I have respected myself. While I think I have a good relationship with God, it is obvious, something is going on in my spirit that keeps me from having the respect for myself that I do, otherwise, why would I let others hurt me so much? Why would it matter when they do? Why do I abuse myself in the ways I do by not giving myself time to exercise, eat right and all of the things where my body reflects the lack of respect? It is strange, prior to all of the ‘work’ for God, the ministry, there was an excitement to prove myself by working hard, being athletic and more, from running to lifting weights, I was in good shape. When I started dealing with the inner turmoil, trying to let God heal me, my focus, desire and all changed, and in regards to my physical appearance, not in a positive way.
I ask God to help me see what is up with this. My behavior is self-destructive, I don’t know why, other than the focus on my pain has me believing maybe inwardly, or self consciously that I deserve the pain. I pray that God will help me see myself as he does. It isn’t too late to get back to a place where I respect myself and show myself that by taking care of myself. God, help me to heal, not just in some ways, but all ways.
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