Daily Journal for The Recovery From Religious Abuse Day 45

Today starts a new day; I realize that I have been abused by religion. It took me through Day 8, 9 before I realized this, but I am glad I did. You can go back to see my comments on Day 8 and 9 to see what I am speaking of. I am taking the time to do the exercises as outlined in the book; Recovering From Religious Abuse, 11 Steps to Spiritual Freedom written by: Jack Watts. While I know that hurt and abuse as described and presented in the book are two different things, I have come to the understanding that in regards to taking advantage of me I have in fact been abused. I will admit, one of my greatest concerns is I may have at times abused religion. I don’t think I have but this journey will help me understand where I am at and in the process help others as I journal each day with the steps outlined in the book.

For those that don’t know, I am actually ahead a few posts on my journal entries, what I mean by that is that by the time I post this entry I will be several days past this entry in real time. It is quite interesting to see what happens between the time I post an entry and the time I write it. That is especially true for today’s posting.

I am at the place where as a part of my reconciliation process I need to write a couple of folks to inform them of my hurt, and to offer my forgiveness for the way I have felt towards them. It is ironic because it is people I have trusted and valued over the years, and people I didn’t think would ever hurt me. These are folks I thought understood me and what I do. I don’t know if I am hurt unjustly or if it is a condition of the years of this type of behavior. I honestly don’t think I would respond to them in the same way, at least I hope and pray not. It may not seem like a big thing, but for me it has been, but again, I don’t know if it is due to an unrealistic expectation from me or not.

Here is what I do know, I can’t blame God for either my lack of communication and/or needs, or because of how others respond to my requests or my needs. I have done well in the past at not blaming God, I have to wonder though, is it right to blame others. I just don’t know. It is the pain of going through the experiences I have in life; I really can’t trust hardly anyone with the exception of God. While I have learned that, I think I still have a ways to go. I have to let go of the pains, and let God heal, and direct. In that free-will I have spoken about before, I am also aware and really believe with my whole, that people often reject the call of God. God can come through, I can’t explain it, but I have to also hold out hope.

God as I write this I don’t know how others are going to respond when I contact them. Help me let go of any wrong feelings towards them, but more importantly, help me understand and realize, you are my hope, it is you, and you alone whom I should place my hope, my trust and my life in. Help me understand the fullness of that.

Make sure to check the blog archive to follow this journal through its entirety, plus an interview with author Jack Watts and the review of the book.

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