A Caregivers Confession, Half of Me Wants To Live, Half Wants to Die

There is so much going on in life right now that it has prevented me from posting in The Virtual Pew for awhile. You see, my wife Mary Jane is at stage 4 of pancreatic cancer and we don't know what the future holds. I have earned about being a caregiver and what is going to follow is a confession of sorts and a cry and plea for help and understanding in other ways.

I have found, that some of the only people who truly understand are others who have either gone through the battle with this thing called cancer, or those who have cared for them.  Others, often including family, have no idea and the support that come from some is life saving and the judgment from others that have one at times wanting to give up and just die themselves.

Here is the truth, something I have always tried to share, I find myself between the battle ground of wanting to die and end all of this, while at the same time feeling that way, and wanting to live. I find myself at times, doing so much that I don't care if I take my own medications and at other times, thinking I want to live to fight this thing and have some life of solitude when it is all said and done. I am afraid more times than not that the desire to just die is going to win out.

My last doctors visit was not good, my blood pressure was 187/128, everything that was supposed to be up was down and everything that was supposed to be down, was way up. In short, I am a walking heart attack right now. Little sleep, high stress, and everything else adds to my own issues. In all of this, I can't tell you the tremendous guilt I feel just sharing this as doing so makes me feel selfish, greedy, uncaring and more, in part, because I have seen and witnessed the judgment, judgment for things like, yes, yelling at my wife to follow doctors orders because if she don't she surly dies.  You see she has a chance to beat this thing and the doctors and nurses have affirmed I am doing something good in helping her and making her do whatever she needs to do, be that eating, drinking or whatever. I have seen the consequences and results of being transported by ambulance to the hospital because her blood sugars drop out because she is not eating, I have had to deal with Chemo Brain (a concept I never knew about until this,) things like pouring protein drink on her feet while she is watering her flowers, or so she thinks, times that she doesn't know the names of her children and can't think of my name, things like pouring vomit down the bathtub, and I could go on and on. Some of those most critical of course are among the very first to tell us, "If you need anything, let us know." Yet, when you ask them for help, to sit with her for a bit, or something else, they can't be found. I could go on and on here, but will leave it at that, but all of these compounded with everything else is, let's say, sometimes beyond bearable.

Right now, I want to live, this is a clue to that as it is a sort of crying out. I am reminded this Thanksgiving that there are those who do care, from a far, and some from close by, that have gone out of their way to see to it that we have a great holiday together as a family. A holiday together that could be our last. Yet, there are also those who do harm. I could say more, maybe someday I will, but my wife and I, both college educated with degrees and living in the real world together for 40+ years are not stupid, we have been observing the writing on the wall for some time.

Then we know there are others, family and then some from around the globe that sincerely tells us they wish we were closer, we believe them because over the years we have seen their words put into action. For them, we are thankful, your thoughts and prayers we covet because we know the one you pray to and we know the sincerity of your hearts.

Bottom line, yep, it sucks being a caregiver, I sometimes think and believe it would be easier to be the one dying. Like the Apostle Paul, I truly understand the concept that to die is gain.  I know there are those who will say things like, "hang in there she needs you."  I know that, but she needs me more than ever because so few are willing to do what is necessary to keep both of us going.

Again, caregivers will understand, they have been through the depression, the loneliness, the feelings of being overwhelmed, the thoughts that the ones they love would be better off without them, the thoughts that they can't do it anymore, the judgment that is pressed upon them by those who have no idea, and I could go on, and on, and on.

What will the future hold?  I have no idea, I am fighting to see what today will hold, what the next few hours will hold. I don't have that much time to worry about, or think about tomorrow.

I’ll leave it at that for now, other than to say, if you are a caregiver, I understand. If you know someone who is a caregiver, give them the support, the love they need. Try to understand and the best way to understand is to be there if at all possible. Otherwise, be cautious about being critical of those going through these tough times, as the old saying goes, "…..until you have walked in their shoes."

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